Songs I Like: (i will constantly add to this playlist)


Thursday, 05 January 2012

  • firsts.

    broke it off with A.

     

    we went to have dinner then back to her place. when i closed the door behind me i started with, "we need to talk. and umm.... it's bad news." she followed up with the predicted "ok..." I continued, "i've been feeling this way for about a week now... and I think we should be good friends. i've been feeling as if we don't really click and it's really hard talking to you. you're a really cool person and i think you're very kind and interesting but i don't think we are for each other. Well... ya... want to sit down and talk? it's really unfair if i just say what i have to say and leave so i'm going to stay until you say everything on your mind too." 

    we continue talking about it... she replies..

    "i had a feeling. the silences didn't really bother me much, but i can see where you're coming from. i know you tried and i'm just so mad at myself. I think it's because i think it's just really selfish if i talk about myself all the time."

    "i'm sorry."

    "nono it's ok." as tears roll down her face, "no regrets, i really like you and i can't be mad at you because you're a really good guy. the situation just sucks."

    "i know. i'm really sorry. ya, i don't regret anything. for what it's worth i really liked you too and i don't regret sneaking off with you or anything."

    we continued talking about past relationships and what's going to happen in the future. after 2 hours of crying i told her i'l take a cab home, but she kept insisting that she'll take me home as a friend. she cries during the drive and i continue to wipe her tears. we talk about how if we see each other in public i will still hug her and say hi. it's just things between us didn't work out. it's nobody's fault. we're just different people.

Friday, 23 December 2011

  • in another life...

    Let me start off by saying, I have a "girlfriend." Well, it's complicated. Let's call her A. She really really likes me, but I cannot say that I feel the same way. I am slowly getting to know her more and more. This is the part where it's complicated: we slept together. I know, I KNOW! that was REALLY stupid. i do like her. i think she's a really cool person, but why do i not get the love struck feelings?? why am i not totally crazy about her like i should be???

    Here's the other complication:

    I'm falling for someone else, a very close friend. Let's call her N. We recently been talking about how we felt for each other and we both confessed that we loved each other and how we made each other feel like we have butterflies in our stomach. The dilemma is, I have the person I'm seeing right now, and she has a boyfriend. It's a mess. We haven't done anything, and swore to each other that we would never cheat; but sometimes i just want to block out the world and follow my heart. It's like the movie "Letter's to Juliet". I don't know.

     

    When i'm talking with A, time goes by really slow. It's different when i talk with N; hours fly by like seconds and we continuously laugh at everything each other says. It's hard getting a conversation rolling with A, even it's hard keeping track of what she says sometimes(i know i'm a horrible person). I even started writing down stuff A said to make sure I remembered. It's different with N; I would remember even the trivial things. 

     

    I am still getting to know A. It's been only couple weeks, while N it has been months. Now you're all probably thinking... why don't you just break up with A if you don't like her that much. My answer: I don't want to break her heart. Well, that's a stupid reason. I want to break up with you because I barely know you? or I want to break up with you because I have feelings for someone who has a boyfriend??? another reason is that I promised myself long time ago, that if a girl has a crush on me, I would not deny her and would at least date her and gave her a chance, because I know how hard it is to admit to someone you have a crush on. I know how much courage that takes. I've done it, I've been rejected and I know how hurt one can get. I am just taking it day by day. I wish I can not be the bad person and break A's heart. N tells me.. you're breaking A's heart even harder every day you stay with her, because in the end if you do break up and you never liked her to begin with then A would be hurt even more. It's just the question of pain now or later? i mean does it even have to be pain? who knows she might end up not caring for me. 

     

    All I want to say is... N, there's such a thing as emotional cheating. It does not have be physical. and i feel like i'm doing that right now.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    why am i so fucked up?

     

Sunday, 30 October 2011

  • hahahahah

    LIFE IS FUNNY!

    it really is. i think i come off too strongly onto people. i like everyone too much it makes most uncomfortable. dang rejected twice. ouch. but it's ok.

     

    i'm really not bothered by how other's act towards me. i know they all have reasons

     

    ahahhahhaha

Monday, 03 October 2011

  • my first experience at a club.

    which happened to be a gay club(:

     

    So.. I went out with my roommate her girlfriend and couple of their friends to celebrate couple belated birthdays. We had dinner at melting pot in sacramento then went to "faces"(a gay club).

     

    it was a fun night. the club was pretty cool too. there are 4 different rooms with different music playing and lots of people.

     

    let me start by saying, I am not gay or bisexual. I guess I lead people on sometimes.

    I was at the bar section with my friends and a white man comes up to me and puts his shoulder around my neck. I just smile and put my arm around him. Then he starts touching my chest... I'm like whoah. hahah so my friend just laughs then comes between us to break us apart. He stands across from me and reaches over and squeezes my nipple. lol! I took it as a compliment, I wasn't really freaked out(: 

     

    oh right. I was dancing with my friends and when we took a breather at the bar area and dori(a gay friend who's belated birthday we were celebrating) noticed I had sweat stains so I took off my shirt and put on his vest. maybe that's why.

     

    hahah, man oh man, I was gone. I remember dancing with this really cute girl who looked like Joanne Vannicola(Dr. Naadiah from "Being Erica" a show I love) except she had baby blue eyes. lol! she's a lesbian so it was all good fun(:

     

     

    drink count: 2 Hennessy, 2 shots of grey goose, 3 kamikaze, 1 long island. 

     

     

     

Saturday, 27 August 2011

  • meaning.

    let's not misunderstand: i love being single. i'm actually happy, but..

    i guess i'm writing this because i've been feeling... lonely.

    i haven't smiled like really smiled because i was happy for a really long time.

    i met a lot of new people and "hung out" with them, but i can't call them friends.

    i love meeting new people.

    but it's hard to have a connection with someone who understands you on every level, and you to them.

    i think carl jung said it best,

    “Loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

     

    i don't know, nowadays i'm becoming more selective and wanting to be around people I, personally, find "cool" and not someone who is "hipster or with the 'in' crowd" or whatever. 

     

    everyone has similar interests so it's not hard making conversation, but is that what a person is.. basically a sum of what he/she likes? i don't think so.

     

    maybe this is why i'll never find love, but then again, i'm not searching. i hope it'll find me, but i'm expecting it not to.

     

    depressing post is depressing.

     

    hahah ok. anyways, i'm adjusting to my new body now. currently i'm 150 lbs, and i was 120lbs 3 months ago when i started working out. most of my button down shirts are getting too tight for me now. i need new clothes. i can't wait to go shopping in 2 weeks(: (look at me, i sound like a giddy school girl. lol.)

     

     

    eh i don't know, people are people. i enjoy being alone, doing my own thing, being productive with myself, sometimes i wish i can share some things with someone who also enjoy the same things(like go to art galleries or museums or explore the city etc.) 

    oh and check out my tumblr: http://mikaelchoe.tumblr.com (i post mainly photographs, design, art stuff)

     

    hmm...

    yup.